Most couples agree that premarital counseling can be very useful in preparing for their wedding. However, as a couples therapist, I often run into the roadblock of couples not wanting to dig much deeper than the surface. I imagine there are a few reasons this is the case: I’m sure it is difficult to already have a wedding date set and to start confronting issues that may not seem so promising for your marriage. I also know how stressful planning a wedding can be, so I get that it can bring a sense of needing everything to be ok to calm your nerves.
But here’s what I want you to know about the engagement process: it’s not just about wedding planning. That anxiety and panic you may feel at the thought of addressing any problems or yellow flags in your relationship is very important for you to feel! The discomfort is a reminder that forever is a long time, and marriage is a big deal.
I don’t say this to scare anyone out of getting married. I say this to help you gain some perspective that the wedding is a blip on the radar compared to a lifetime with the person you are marrying. The celebration is just the beginning, and it is so miniscule compared to the real experience of being married.
Where I’m coming from:
I’ve been a therapist for almost 10 years now, and I have specialized in couples therapy since the beginning. I’ve had the pleasure of working with couples that are chronically ambivalent about their relationship despite being together for many years, couples that are highly committed and ready to walk down the aisle, couples who have encountered the devastation of losing a parent, the loss of a child, couples who have encountered the blessing of welcoming a child into the world, couples that are in the thick of raising their children, couples that are blending families, and couples that have decided to divorce. Suffice to say–I’ve witnessed the many stages and phases of marriage, and I’ve experienced the ups and downs of my own!
When my husband and I were still dating he used to lovingly say, “We could watch paint dry together” as a way to express we could spend endless hours together just talking and that would be enough. It didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing, we just liked spending time together. We had no idea how invaluable that aspect of our relationship would prove in our marriage. At the core of our relationship is a very deep friendship and attraction to each other. I believe with every bone in my body that we are soul mates, AND that we would have gotten divorced if it had not been for my training as a therapist and my insistence that we pursue our own couples therapy. Marriage is just that hard.
So while I acknowledge that I don’t have a crystal ball and I am generally a very optimistic person, I am also very familiar with the warning signs of trouble ahead in relationships and my assessment skills have proven pretty sharp.
It brings me no pleasure to burst people’s bubble in couples therapy, but I do accept and embrace the responsibility I have to shine a light on the things you may not want to look at now, so that you are prepared for the future.
My hope is that every couple I work with will walk down the aisle with the deep confidence that comes from looking at the hard realities of their relationship first.
All of this to say—if you are brave enough to consider premarital counseling—I would encourage you to also seize the opportunity to treat it like real therapy…because it is! Premarital counseling is not just meant to be something you check off of your list. True premarital counseling is meant to go hand in hand with your walk as a newly engaged couple to make sure your relationship is on solid ground before you say “I do”. While it might seem intimidating to go below the surface, I believe doing so is like putting a down payment on a better relationship. So as best as you can, try not to think of therapy as a roadblock. Try to think of it as laying the concrete.
Alright enough with the metaphors!
If I haven’t sold you on the importance of premarital counseling yet, here are my top 5 reasons I think all engaged couples should treat premarital counseling like real therapy:
- Forever is a long time! God willing, there will come a day where you’ve been with your partner longer than you’ve been without them. How crazy is that?! This alone should remind you of the importance of knowing who you are marrying and what you are getting yourselves into. While you cannot possibly predict all of the ways their personality and preferences will change over the course of time, you should take them seriously as they reveal more of who they are to you during the dating and engagement phase.
You are marrying a person, not a project. While it’s likely your partner will change over time, it’s not all that likely they will do it at your insistence. You want to make sure you can trust the person they are right now–not who you think they could be or who they say they will become. You also want to be able to watch paint dry with them.
- Therapy helps you to set realistic expectations. While therapy cannot prevent all surprises from happening, it does force you to see the reality of your relationship. Therapy can also help you make sense of aspects of your relationship or your fiance that might be confusing to you currently. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse. It is very healthy and necessary to make some room for their flaws and their desires for married life so that you are not surprised by them later. As Stan Tatkin says, “we are all high maintenance”. Neither of you can be a “yes” person forever, so it’s best to talk through some of your “no’s” now.
- Conflict resolution. Wedding planning is a great introduction to how you and your partner work together towards a common goal. Conflict is normal. What’s more important than how often you fight is how you communicate with each other when you do and how quickly you repair. Therapy is a place to develop and practice conflict resolution skills with each other so that you have them when bigger issues arise. It’s also a chance for you to learn how to tolerate your differences. You do not have to agree on everything for you to be on the same page. Rather, you may need to learn how to work towards mutual understanding.
- Create a shared vision of your future. I’m going to be blunt–please do not wait until after your wedding to discuss kids. Discuss them now. In as much detail as you can.
As a marriage therapist, I am never going to push you towards having kids, but I am going to push you towards talking about whether or not you want them so that you don’t kick the can too far down the road and miss the opportunity. The same goes for career aspirations, where you will live, lifestyle preferences, etc. Even if you don’t think your partner wants the same things as you do…actually especially if you don’t think your partner wants the same things as you do–you need to talk about the bigger picture now. Sometimes people change their opinions and desires over time, but sometimes they don’t. You want to have at least talked through what it would mean if one of you is certain you don’t want to live in Texas, anywhere cold, or with pets, etc.
- Establish yourselves as a couple. Prior to marriage there is a “you” and there is a “me”. Through the engagement process, you and your fiance are developing the “we”. Establishing your identity as a couple is filled with trial and error. It involves things like creating appropriate boundaries with in-laws while planning your wedding, figuring out how you want to manage finances, what role expectations you have of each other, and many more milestones that couples often don’t see coming.
My husband and I joke about how quickly we went from showing up to places as ourselves to showing up and people asking, “Where’s Cameron?” or “Where’s Alex?”. People start to treat you differently once you are married. The government will treat you differently once you are married! It helps to feel like you have a say in how this transition goes ahead of time.
With all of this said, I recognize that you might be feeling a little overwhelmed by all there is to consider when you’re getting married. The good news is that a) you have time and b) Prepare/Enrich created a structured assessment for exactly this reason. As a Prepare/Enrich facilitator, I can facilitate you taking the initial assessment and then walk you through some organized feedback about what it all means. If you would like to hear more about this process or if you would like to see if we might be a good fit for each other, please feel free to contact me at info@faithfocustherapy.com. You can also look at my availability and request an appointment online by clicking here.
Some encouragement:
If you have read this far, you are already demonstrating that you care enough about your relationship to think about your future together! That shows commitment.
Also, no relationship is perfect. Please do not let any insecurities or fears prevent you from getting the support you need for your relationship. Pre-wedding nerves are normal, and they are a sign you understand the gravity of your decision. That’s a good thing!
My hope is for you to feel confident and secure in your relationship so that your wedding is not just a celebration of what’s to come–it’s a celebration of what you already know to be true.
I hope this article and/or future therapy allows you to see the sacredness of your relationship and encourages you to become better stewards of it.
Marriage is hard, but getting to walk through life with your best friend is also an incredible gift.
My hope is for you and your fiance to see it that way!
About the Author: Alex Barnette, LMFT, is a Christian therapist serving Georgetown, TX and surrounding Central Texas communities. She specializes in faith-based counseling for individuals and couples, with particular expertise in postpartum support and spiritual integration in therapy.
*This post is part of the “Mood Food” blog—honest, hope-filled content for real people navigating real life. Subscribe below to get weekly encouragement delivered to your inbox.•
