There are many ways of conceptualizing couples therapy, but the longer I do this work the more I recognize that therapy is not magic and, thus, the more I’ve come to appreciate the value of long-term work. For some couples, “doing the work” means staying in couples therapy consistently for years as they do more in-depth work and weather the unexpected storms that come up along the way, and for some couples it means seeking support in smaller spurts.
The challenge of couples therapy, specifically, is making sure that couples are actively engaging in the process each session. If a couple has gotten comfortable showing up but leaving things unaddressed or unspoken, the risk becomes complacency and the work can stall out. Additionally, therapy burnout is very real. In my ideal scenario, if partners were beginning to look less engaged in the work, we’d be able to talk through it and re-commit to their therapeutic goals. However, sometimes the limitations of finances and time and/or the stress of sessions can become too burdensome for a couple to do their best work.
For this reason, sometimes couples do need a break from couples therapy–even when they’re not sure they’ve accomplished all that they wanted to in therapy. Sometimes couples need a break to disrupt their pattern of using therapy as a place to vent and to make sure they are taking ownership of their part in the relationship. There is a lot of value in taking time to re-assess your relationship and how you are engaging in it.
My intention is never to keep couples in therapy longer than they need to be for my benefit. My job is to work myself out of a job, and if it’s become evident that a couple is not working as hard as I am at that–sometimes the best option is to take a break.
When this happens, I typically talk through signs that a couple is doing well on their own and signs that it is time to come back to therapy with them so that they know what to look for and can feel confident in taking their next steps. The signs look a little different for every couple, but I thought it might be helpful to share some of the most common signs so that you and your partner can feel confident in your next steps!
5 signs it’s time to go back to couples therapy:
1. Little things are becoming big things.
We all have weeks where things feel harder than usual. We also all have weeks where we don’t feel as connected to our partner as we normally do. Whether it’s due to someone traveling, getting less sleep than usual, or an unexpected external stressor–it’s only natural that you and your partner are going to be snippy with each other at times.
It’s when you start to notice that one complaint turns into another and another and another, that it might be time to reconsider therapy. Kitchen-sinking is Gottman’s term to describe when couples throw a long list of past and present issues into the conversation instead of sticking to one specific grievance.
If every time you and your partner argue you are noticing feelings of resentment about other aspects of your relationship, it might be time to talk through some of the issues more in-depth in therapy.
2. You have some big decisions to make, but you keep kicking the can down the road.
With every season, it seems parents are forced to re-evaluate what childcare and work arrangements make the most sense for their family. From this standpoint, it is very normal to have different opinions and to feel conflicted about work schedules, drop-offs, how to make it all work and how to put the pieces of the puzzle together each day.
It is also ok if you both recognize that your current arrangement is not exactly working, but you are both in agreement that you are not in a position to make any changes yet.
What matters is that you are both feeling seen and heard in these conversations and that you are putting the pieces of the puzzle together. If you feel stuck in gridlock and unable to make a decision or if only one of you is happy with your current structure–it might be time to come back to therapy.
While re-evaluating the equation of your family is often inconvenient and time-consuming, it is also a chance to make sure that you and your partner are living in alignment with your core values and communicating to each other that you appreciate each other’s contributions.
3. You feel more like roommates than best friends/intimate partners
If this is something that really resonates with you, you can read more in-depth about this topic in this article I wrote.
I often lament how many conversations with my husband have to revolve around logistics and plans. I would love to talk more about our hopes and dreams, but there are many times we are forced to keep our conversations short and to the point for the sake of getting from point A to point B. There are also many times we get interrupted by one of our kids or someone knocking at the door, etc. I think this just comes with the territory of parenthood.
Similarly, it is normal for couples to have days where they are just a little “off” with each other.
It’s when you start to notice that there are more “off” days than days where you feel close and connected that you might consider going back to therapy. It’s when you start to automate your partner and lose some of the emotional and physical intimacy that you used to cherish that you need to start carving out more time for each other again.
4. You’re starting to avoid hard conversations because it seems pointless.
While there is peace in accepting what you cannot change about your partner, it is also true that every marriage requires a lot of communication. So while some conversations might look different as you accept more aspects of who your partner is and how they operate, you still owe it to each other to address hard topics as they arise.
If you are noticing any sentiments of “Why bother?” or “What’s the use?” because you are starting to anticipate being shut down or criticized when there is something you need to discuss, it is time to go back to therapy. When faced with hard decisions and/or while going through life’s challenges, you and your partner should be able to anticipate that you will receive care and affirmation from each other. You are supposed to support each other and even carry each other’s burdens at times. It’s not enough to live and let live and hope for the best.
5. You’re noticing old patterns re-emerge.
Setbacks are a normal part of life, and old habits die hard. The aim of couples therapy is that you and your partner would form new ways of interacting with each other and leave the old ones behind. However, with enough stress and without the right amount of support–I think all couples start to revert to their old ways.
Please don’t take this as a sign of failing. Take it as your sign to get the support you need to keep going! You’ve come too far in your marriage to give up now!
Some things to consider as you contemplate going back to marriage therapy that could help you get more out of it this time:
-Why am I dragging my feet on going back to therapy?
Sometimes the dread of going feels greater than the confidence you have in your relationship. If you recognize the need to go but are struggling with swallowing your pride to do it–it can be helpful to remind yourself that all couples struggle. I promise you are not the only couple that argues about time, finances, sex, kids, and household chores.
-Why didn’t couples therapy work in the past?
While every couple’s specific situation is unique and there are always many factors that contribute to how quickly a couple sees progress in their relationship, it is also true that some couples are not truly ready for couples therapy when they go the first time. Sometimes it takes a break and time to reflect and re-evaluate for both partners to feel ready to commit to being the change they want to see in their relationship (rather than hoping your partner will be the one to change).
Additionally, it’s entirely possible that couples therapy was effective and helpful the first time around; it might just be time to go back to continue the progress you were making! Keep in mind that needing to go back to therapy does not mean that it was a failure the first time (or second or third). Some couples thrive the most with ongoing therapeutic support. There is no shame in that!
-Should we prepare differently this time?
Sometimes showing up to therapy is the bravest thing you can do. Depending on your history and where you’re at in the relationship currently, simply showing up for sessions might be all you can manage. If so, that’s ok! As long as you have an open mind and heart and can humble yourself to needing guidance and support, you and your partner should be able to collaborate on goals and objectives once you get there.
-The biggest game changer: inviting God into your marriage.
This advice won’t be for everyone, but I would be remiss not to mention it to those that are seeking spiritual support. I believe inviting God and the Holy Spirit into your marriage and your work in therapy is even better than magic. Something happens when you surrender to the Lord and lean on Him to be your strength. If you want to pray together in session, I’d love to support you in that! If not, you are always welcome to pray before or after sessions on your own, and you can always ask the Holy Spirit to give you words when there is something you are having a hard time vocalizing in therapy sessions.
Some encouragement for the weary couples considering therapy:
You are not failing if you need to go back to therapy. Many times, when we’re doing our best to put one foot in front of the other we really cannot see the whole picture. If all you can see is the next day ahead of you (and it doesn’t look great), a therapist might be just the right person to help instill some hope and remind you that the best is yet to come. A therapist is also there to help you recognize what you’re up against and to help you unburden your marriage of the things you no longer need to carry.
Additionally, if you cannot envision a better future for your marriage right now, please keep in mind that “story follows state”. What this means is that our current mood and state dictate how we view our future…so we are often telling ourselves a pretty flawed story!
The one hope you can always take comfort in is that if we are walking with Christ in our journey–our plans may fail, but His never will.
Marriage is hard, and no marriage is perfect. That is by design! If we were perfect people, we wouldn’t need a partner. And if we had perfect marriages, we wouldn’t need Jesus.
It is ok to need help getting back on track with your partner.
A Prayer for Your Marriage:
Lord,
We thank you for being so much bigger than our problems.
We thank you for using our marriages to sanctify us and to grow us into more faithful followers of Christ.
We ask you to be our strength in the moments our patience runs thin.
Remind us of why we chose our partners, and help us to see them as you see them.
Please walk with us and guide our steps as we aim to create a love reflective of yours…and as we fail daily.
Remind us that no marriage is immune to the challenges of life, but that we are going to be ok because we have you.
Amen.
(Note: This post was written by me personally without the help of AlexGPT.)
