Resistance is a bit of a controversial term in the therapy world. Older models of therapy attribute resistance to a client’s character, assuming the client is too stubborn to change. Trauma-informed therapy approaches acknowledge that all resistance is a sign that the deeper work has not been done yet. A trauma-informed way of conceptualizing resistance is that it likely developed out of an attempt to protect the individual in some way. Once you heal the trauma, the defenses are no longer necessary, and, thus, a client would naturally want to change and take action to do so.
From a systemic perspective, change is always going to be a disruption to a family’s homeostasis and–for better or for worse–systems will fight to maintain their natural homeostasis. This is why people that are newly sober end up needing to find a completely new environment to support their sobriety. This is (partly) why couples have a hard time breaking their usual patterns, and this is why old habits die hard. While an individual might fight to create change, a system pushes back to maintain normalcy.
Personally, I don’t think clients are lazy. I also don’t think family members are so toxic that they would not want someone else in their life to get healthy. I think change is hard, and when people don’t feel comfortable with it, they hold on to what is familiar–even when those behaviors have gone from adaptive (helpful) to maladaptive (not helpful).
An added layer I’m eager to help people address as a faith-based therapist is the possibility that resistance is not just a character flaw/personality trait, a trauma response, or a systemic issue–that it could be spiritual oppression.
We all know what it feels like to try to overcome obstacles or to create better systems only to feel thwarted by the resistance of smaller decisions each day.
It can be so frustrating!
There are many ways we may automatically cope with resistance. Sometimes we pretend it’s not there, sometimes we mindlessly reach for comforts, sometimes we get angry and blame other people for our hardships, and sometimes we use it as an excuse to go back to our old ways.
Here’s a simple way of assessing how you respond to resistance: It’s any of the ways you would automatically cope when stress is introduced to your system.
To level the playing field here:
Surrendering to resistance was a real problem for me after my first kid. I was so tired and overwhelmed by the juggling act of motherhood that I often rationalized impulsive decisions by telling myself “I’m just trying to survive”. I had fierce determination, but that would often result in “crashing out” (as people say on social media now) when the lack of self-care and/or support would catch up with me.
I vacillated from extreme discipline to extreme indulgence. Looking back I can see where my distress tolerance kept getting weaker and weaker as I just kept trying to do things by my own strength and without meeting my basic needs first.
I wanted to maximize my time with my family, get back in shape, and prove to myself I could also juggle my career and make money.
Here’s what I did not do: Ask for help. Pray. Eat enough real food. Develop any kind of rhythm around rest and nourishment. Let go of my old self and make room for a version of me that needed more grace.
I have a lot of compassion for why I was doing what I was doing. As I’m going through a lot of the same ups and downs after our second kid, I can see very clearly why I made the decisions I did. And I will admit there are times I’m proud of how hard I worked. The problem is I felt terrible and burned out a lot of the time.
There was no grace. No humility. No surrender. And truthfully–not a lot of long-term thinking.
When we are only focused on results and relying on our own strength for survival–we are bound to reach the end of our rope. And when we can’t see beyond the next month, we often don’t treat our bodies as something in need of ongoing nurturance. We don’t facilitate endurance. We look for quick fixes.
So while I recognize this conceptualization may not fit for everyone, I have found it hugely helpful to consider how the spiritual realm influences my expectations of myself and what is and is not in my control. I’ve started reconsidering this battle as not just parts of myself at war but also a spiritual war happening outside of me.
In plain terms:
Do you know who loves to promise quick fixes?
Do you know who promises to help us build endurance?
Do you know who loves to keep us focused on our own abilities?
Do you know who consistently reminds us we don’t need to be strong?
In my quest to better discern the difference between God’s voice and Satan’s, I started reading The ScrewTape Letters by C.S. sometime last year. The book is a series of fictional letters between two demons, an older demon Screwtape and his younger nephew Wormwood. The letters detail a series of tactics used in an attempt to steal a newly converted Christian away from God (“The Enemy”).
As you might imagine, it’s not the most uplifting book, but it has been great to reference anytime I’m feeling like something is in the air.
Here are a couple of excerpts that help demonstrate what Satan’s voice sounds like:
“But do remember, the only thing that matters is the extent to which you separate the man from the Enemy. It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing. Murder is no better than cards if cards can do the trick. Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one–the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without sign posts.” (Lewis, p. 67)
The truth in this example is that Satan does not need us to worship him. He only needs us to stop worshipping God. Most people don’t actively decide they want to abandon God’s plan for them. More often, we forget it’s there and start making our own.
“I would make it a rule to eradicate from my patient any strong personal taste which is not actually a sin, even if it is something quite trivial such as a fondness for baseball or collecting stamps or drinking cocoa. Such things, I grant you, have nothing of virtue in them; but there is sort of a humility and self-forgetfulness about them which I distrust. The man who truly and disinterestedly enjoys any one thing in the world, for its own sake, and without caring two cents what other people say about it, is by that very face fore-armed against some our subtlest modest of attack….The great thing is to prevent his doing anything…Let him do anything but act.” (Lewis, p.71)
Here we see the demon reminding his friend that humility and forgetting one’s self are a threat to their agenda. Satan wants us so focused on ourselves and stuck in our minds that we become overly important or overly fearful. Satan hates for us to take a step of obedience closer to God and to know that we are made in God’s image and likeness. He’ll do everything he can to use our insecurities against us.
“My Dear Wormwood,
I had noticed, of course, that the humans were having a lull in their war–and am not surprised that there is a corresponding lull in the patient’s anxieties. Do we want to encourage this, or to keep him worried? Tortured fear and stupid confidence are both desirable states of mind.”
(Lewis, p. 77)
Again, Satan wants us to keep our eyes on anything but God. He does this by directing our attention to things that make us either fearful so we doubt God or overly confident so we think we don’t need God.
When we face resistance that is completely out of our control, I think Satan would love for us to think it is our own fault and that we are on our own to overcome it.
Satan would also love for us to get lost in the pursuit of success (whatever that looks like to you) while robbing us of all of the joy of it.
God offers us another way!
God gives us the permission to lean on Him and promises to renew our strength when we do.
“Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The lord is the everlasting God,
The creator of the whole earth.
He never becomes faint or weary;
There is no limit
To his understanding.
He gives strength to the faint
And strengthens the powerless.
Youths may become faint and weary,
And young men stumble and fall,
But those who trust in the Lord
Will renew their strength;
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not become weary;
They will walk and not faint.”
-Isaiah 40:28-21
Satan will afflict you while deceiving you into thinking you have it all. God will remind you that your reward is not here on earth, but in heaven.
So how do we overcome resistance?
Step 1: Take it to God.
Sometimes resistance is simply meant to drive a wedge between you and God or you and your partner. When you go straight to the Lord, I think it immediately thwarts the Enemy’s attempts to isolate you.
Other helpful tips:
Understand what kind of resistance you are facing, and elicit the help of your partner, a trusted friend or therapist if you’re not sure.
Sometimes our partners and our friends are great at highlighting what is obvious in plain sight. If it feels more complicated than that, therapists are there to help you untangle and process the roadblocks you are facing.
They’re also great at validating the frustration you feel when you hit a wall, without letting you get too sunk in despair. Anger is meant to be mobilized! Therapy is a great place for you to move through your feelings so that you can get back on track when you feel overcome by hopelessness or frustration.
While shame might have you believe otherwise, it’s pretty unlikely that you are stuck because you are incapable or incompetent. It’s more likely that you are carrying more than you realize.
Stand firm in your faith.
If you are, indeed, facing spiritual resistance, Ephesians 6:10-20 tells us what to do.
Even if there are moments you are going through the motions, I believe that God sees when we are doing it from a heart of devotion.
Allow yourself to wrestle.
Allow yourself to rest.
Our feelings are not facts, but it is absolutely ok to have feelings and explore what they mean. Some days we need to pause our efforts to overcome anything. Sometimes we need to regroup and reset. You can always rest in knowing God has your back when your heart is in the right place.
Choose joy.
Choose hope.
You do not have to feel joyful and hopeful to choose them and look for evidence that they still exist. There is inherent joy in knowing this will all pass, and when you don’t feel it–try not to make any major decisions. Try to re-center first and focus on making the smaller decisions that will help you get back on your feet.
Remembering is the antidote to fear.
Remember the times you’ve gotten through something similar.
Remember that God has your back.
You could not hide from God and His love if you wanted to (Psalm 139: 7-10). God’s love isn’t just waiting on us–it is actively chasing after us day after day. When we’ve surrendered our plans to God, we cannot fail. We may not know how it will play out, why He takes us in certain directions or allows the things He does, but we do know we will be ok. God didn’t make a mistake by choosing you to carry out His plan.
Move your body.
Sometimes we have to complete the stress-response cycle physically when we cannot complete it via the results we’re looking for in a given situation. Completing the cycle physically allows you to release the tension instead of holding onto it and carrying it from one day to the next. Completing the stress cycle also helps you to re-regulate and operate from a more grounded place.
If you are in a period of facing resistance at work or at home, try amping up your self-care rituals before and after that part of your day. Going for a walk or stretching beforehand might seem like a way to procrastinate, but it really is a necessary step to keep the stress from accumulating.
Treat yourself like your most treasured houseplant :).
Surrender.
When we surrender to the Lord what we cannot control, and we humble ourselves to needing help and guidance when we feel lost–we open ourselves up to the awesomeness of seeing God on the move. God’s ability to orchestrate and execute a plan beyond what I would’ve even asked for never ceases to amaze me.
And don’t forget God uses all things for good (Romans 8:28).
Just take the first step.
If you feel a nudge from the Holy Spirit and have reached a point of conviction but have delayed taking that next step–you might not be standing still. You might be moving backwards or deviating from the path unintentionally.
When you know there is something God is asking you to do and you haven’t done it, you might begin feeling heavier and heavier until you take that step. The heaviness or anxiety is not a sign you are not ready! It’s a sign you are delaying and getting stuck in the mud. You don’t have to have it all figured out before you take your first step.
A prayer for those facing resistance:
Lord,
Please be with us in the moments that no one else sees–
When our brain goes negative, our hearts feel heavy,
Please remind us we are children of the light.
Please renew our strength and remind us that all we need is you.
When you are with us, we cannot fail.
Send us reminders that you are with us,
And help us to feel your presence in a tangible way.
Amen.
Remember: We are allowed to wrestle with our faith. God loves you in your anger, in your sadness, in your fear, and in your joy. We all feel stuck sometimes, and resistance is inevitable. Therapy is meant to help you understand and move through it with grace.
If you’re in the Georgetown, Round Rock, or Central Texas area and struggling with emotional overwhelm, spiritual disconnection, or relationship challenges, faith-focused therapy can provide the safe space you need to explore these patterns with both clinical wisdom and spiritual understanding. You don’t have to navigate these waters alone.
About the Author: Alex Barnette, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist providing virtual Christian counseling to individuals and couples throughout Texas. She specializes in helping people integrate emotional health with spiritual growth, creating space for both healing and faith to flourish.
**This post was written without the use of AlexGPT.
