I need to confess something–shortly after publishing this new website and going all in on providing a faith-based practice, my own faith started feeling flat. The blogs I wrote were pivotal in reminding me of why I was doing this, but–naturally–I felt so blocked from even sitting down to look at them.
I had already gone back to work seeing existing clients, I was ready and motivated to get started with new clients, I had poured my heart into contributing to an authentic and Spirit-inspired website, and then it came time to take the next step and I froze.
Sometimes it frustrates me how active we have to remain in our relationship with God for it to grow.
Sometimes I want it to be accomplished–checked off my list and available to me when I need it but not something I have to actively participate in everyday. I couldn’t have told you this before now, but basically I wanted to be able to say I gave my life to Christ. Check, Done. Off my list. Good on me.
But that’s not how it works. Jesus calls us everyday. Giving Him my life everyday means my life has to look different. When all of the apps are battling for my attention, I have to put my phone down and read the Bible. When the noise of world events is making my mind a battlefield, I don’t need to get louder to make my voice heard. I need to get quieter to hear His.
I prayed everyday, I went to church and Bible study, and I did my best everyday, but in hindsight–I look back and see where I hit a crossroads. I can see very clearly now that it was time to increase childcare so I could make more room for this practice I’ve desperately wanted and felt so excited to build, and I just didn’t know how to let go. I didn’t know how to let go because my fear of sending my kids to school took over. It wasn’t that I wanted to stay home with them. In all honesty, I needed some space. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to work. I actually love what I do for a living. I just felt so anxious about leaving them in someone else’s care. My fears took over what I knew to be true.
I firmly believe that if you are putting God first He is going to help take care of everything else and fill in the gaps where you are falling short. This includes our children.
Since I felt called to go back to work and help people, I knew I could trust that God would provide the right arrangement and the right people to take care of my kids while I’m working.
And He did.
Again and again.
Again and again I got confirmation that I was on the right path and to just keep moving forward, but again and again I couldn’t move my feet.
It’s eye opening to me how quickly I decide no one can be trusted when disaster strikes.
When the Camp Mystic floods happened at the beginning of July, I froze my efforts to move forward and instead clung to my bubble for dear life. I couldn’t understand how God could allow a camp full of kids (kids there to worship Him!) to be swept away in a flood like that.
In all transparency, I still don’t understand it.
There are a lot of flaws in my thinking, and I know, logically, going back to work is not the same as sending your kids to camp…I know how rare a flood like that is…I know God has a plan for each one of those families, and it doesn’t make sense for me to insert myself into that situation, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I know I’m not alone in processing the Camp Mystic tragedy as a betrayal of our trust. The trust that we can leave our kids somewhere, and bring them back home when it’s time.
As we all do, I did my best to keep going but my mind kept getting hijacked by fears and heartbreak for the world.
The same exact thing happened to me when we first enrolled my daughter in full-time daycare. The week we had finally gotten settled and I was ready to increase my hours with clients–Uvalde happened.
I would imagine we all have our own versions of this, and we all cope differently.
I want to make it clear that this post is not about what to do with your kids and it’s not meant to fuel any debate about going back to work versus staying at home–it’s meant to help you sort through your own responses when your worst fears get in the way of your faith.
Something I am only recently fully appreciating is the impact of secondary trauma. I have experienced first-hand tragedy that should have wrecked my faith, and it truly only made it stronger. Like immediately.
My first-hand experience is absolutely that the Lord draws near the brokenhearted, and when I call out to Him He responds.
It’s witnessing the tragedy of others with no ability to help them that gets me.
I donate, I pray, I write, I attempt to help other people process so I can feel useful, but it never feels like enough.
And when you’re witnessing tragedy and seeing images you can’t unsee with a baby in your arms–your mind can go to some really unhealthy places.
I’ve written about what we can do several times, and I’m always sharing ways of coping in those times…or just some of my unhinged thoughts…, but the truth is I’m very much still figuring it out. I don’t know that it is figure-out-able, actually. Most of the time I think we just keep moving because we have no other choice.
I never want to be so desensitized that I don’t care, and I never want to be so privileged that I don’t recognize what I have or don’t feel impacted by the suffering of others.
So from that perspective, I think it is healthy to hurt when we see other people hurting. I’ve said it before, but I do believe when something shakes you to your core you were meant to be shaken.
If you’re not processing the world around you, I would argue that you’re probably trying to escape it. And if we’re escaping, we’re not serving. Christians are called to serve. It has been a long road for me to find my place to serve. I have gone down so. many. tangents and fallen for so. many. distractions and “shoulds” only to realize I’m already here. I’m already doing my best work as a Christian serving my family and my community and serving couples and individuals with relationship issues.
I am starting to appreciate that the emotional storms that ricochet in my little world after tragedies that happen out in the much bigger world are worth my time to process and get some clarity around.
One question that usually re-centers me is asking myself “What if it’s not the actual event that’s getting to me?”
Because I know that God didn’t promise us a life of ease. He promised to be with us in the storms. And if He’s with us–we’re good. We can get through anything. So instead of allowing the old therapist logic that “of course you feel terrible, look at the world around you” to register as truth, I decided to start questioning if there are any lies I’ve been believing.
So with that, I decided to take inventory of some of the lies the enemy tells and has told me whenever disaster strikes.
I’ll outline a few lies that I hear on repeat:
-That we should keep eyes on the tragedy.
-That we should look for the villain.
-That we’re next.
-That we should be grateful every second of everyday (something no human can do) because look at what you have compared to them.
-That thoughts and prayers are useless.
-That we should take justice into our own hands.
-That this is why we can’t trust anyone.
-That we’re doomed. We’re cooked.
-That no one cares.
-That no one feels the way you do about this.
-That you shouldn’t bother speaking up because it will only make things worse.
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
If there are more, I’d encourage you to write them down. Take inventory of the unique fears the enemy likes to prey on when you are caught off-guard by tragedy.
As I reflect on this, I’ve noticed that the spiritual attacks of the enemy are very similar to how fire ants attack.
Brief aside: I have a bit of an obsession with trying to rid my backyard of fire ants. They are nearly indestructible, and their bites hurt like hell. I recently learned that they hurt so badly because they not only bite you, but they STING YOU at the same time. Additionally, fire ants don’t strike one at a time. Most often, they creep up on you with all of their little fire ant friends and they signal each other when they’ve accumulated enough, and THEN they bite and sting you at once. Yes, you can call pest control–but they keep coming back! And it turns out the Texas Department of Agriculture is stumped on what to do about this. Why Fire Ants Are Even More Evil Than You Thought
In a nutshell, this is how spiritual attacks feel to me. I’ll be walking along in life just trying to get through the day, and suddenly it feels like one tragedy after another, after another. Then my husband’s workload gets heavier. Then someone gets sick. You know how this goes.
I’ve always thought that when my own life gets heavy, I need to remember that the world is so much bigger than my life. This would actually be a great strategy, EXCEPT that I’ve been doing it in all the wrong ways! I’ve been watching the news or trying to do my civil duty when I’m already depleted, and instead of that making me feel grateful, it makes me feel very fearful and powerless.
So perhaps instead of witnessing world events and politics when I’m already depleted, it would be better to ground in truth first instead.
So that’s what I’m going to attempt to do here–speak some truth to the lies that keep me up at night.
Here are some grounding truths we can hold onto in times of trouble:
Lie: Keep your eyes on the tragedy.
Truth: We are not meant to keep our eyes focused on death and destruction. In fact, it would completely overwhelm us to do that. We are meant to pendulate in and out of trauma so that we can process it without flooding our senses. If there is only one place to keep your eyes focused–it’s on Jesus.
Keep your eyes on Jesus.
Lie: Look for the villain, or someone to blame. Roast the people who voted them in.
Truth: Ask for discernment. It’s a lie that becoming obsessed with villains will allow us to see them properly and grant us peace or keep us safe. What’s more likely is that the deeper you go into any politician or villain, the more entangled in the web you become. While I have found it useful to understand the villains in the world and how Satan works, I’ve also found it pretty depressing to spend too much time on that. Study Jesus and God’s word. When you’ve been focused on God, you can spot a viper in two seconds. You don’t need to get bitten by a snake to know it’s poisonous.
Another truth: Love your enemy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is label someone as your enemy so that you recognize how to treat them (with love, not vitriol).
Lie: You’re next. This is one that can send my anxious mind into a real tizzy.
Policy wise, I do believe we should respond to every tragedy as if it happened to our own family so that we can prevent predictable outcomes (ahem, building in a flood zone and mass shootings). I also believe we should treat all humans with respect and dignity and that when a government decides it’s ok not to, we could all be in trouble soon. However, there are still some truths that are easy to forget when our anxious minds start thinking in patterns.
Truth:
- When we see innocent people dying and evil spreading, we only see the lowest, visible side of it. There is an invisible side we don’t see. What we don’t see is what happens to those people once they have died and gone to Heaven. What we don’t see is how God redeems those that are wounded. And, even in a more tangible sense, we often don’t see what’s being done to protect the next generation. (Still not enough being done if you ask me, but there have been policies implemented that give me hope).
- God is always in control, and He will use any bad for good. “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son, so that he would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; and those he called, he also justified; and those he justified, he also glorified.” Romans 8:28-30
Lie: That I should be grateful for every second with my family.
Truth: I am grateful. And life is hard. The more we bring our big feelings and vulnerabilities to God (and to therapists!) the more the gratitude flows naturally. True gratitude is not a burden, it’s a gift. If trying to feel grateful feels more aggravating than grounding, there might be more to process to get to that point.
Lie: Thoughts and prayers are useless.
Truth: Prayers are powerful, they are just not what people are asking for from politicians. “What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but does not have works? Can such faith save him? If a brother or sister is without clothes and lacks daily food and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, stay warm, and be well fed”, but you don’t give them what the body needs, what good is it? In the same way faith, if it does not have works, is dead by itself.” James 2:14-17
When politicians consistently send prayers instead of help–they are not doing their job, they are performing. So when I see people mocking thoughts and prayers, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are likely expressing frustration with politicians–not Christians. My personal hope is that we all can experience the power of prayer first-hand.
Lie: We should take justice into our own hands.
Truth: At the end of this life, we will all have to face judgment by the one true authority and judge–God. When that day comes, justice will be served. While it’s helpful and necessary to seek justice in this life (not just for ourselves but for those less vulnerable), it is ok to recognize our limits. This is not apathy or weakness–it is surrendering what we cannot control to God and remembering that His power is sovereign. Some people may not understand why Christians choose to pray instead of rally. More specifically, some people may not understand why seeking social justice is secondary to seeking the Lord. In all honesty, I am still trying to navigate this. But what I do know is that we are all misunderstood at times. It is ok if people misunderstand me.
Lie: We can’t trust anyone.
Truth: When I start believing I can’t trust anyone, I know it’s time to put my phone down and connect with humans that I know and trust. The media thrives on convincing us to fear our neighbor and dehumanizing the “other”. There are still trustworthy people in this world. If you can’t find them, ask God to send them to you. When we get really dysregulated, sometimes we need to borrow the safety of another person’s nervous system. Find the friend that stays anchored in their faith no matter what and ask them to grab lunch. Schedule a date night with your partner. Sometimes it’s the simplest interactions that restore our faith in humanity.
Lie: We’re doomed. We’re cooked.
Truth: Some people want this world to end because it would either mean a) they don’t have to keep trying or b) Jesus’s second coming is happening soon. Unfortunately, none of us know the day or the hour of Christ’s return. I don’t know if any of you saw, but there was recently a wave of people convinced that there was going to be a rapture on 9/23. Today is October 2nd, and we’re all still here. I think that means we have more work to do.
Lie: No one cares, and no one feels the way you do about this.
The idea that no one cares and that no one feels the way we do is Satan at his finest. If I had to guess his next move is usually to throw in a “and no one loves you”. Classic Satan, always trying to isolate and destroy us.
Truth: People care, and there’s almost always some vulnerable feeling we can all relate to when the world tries to divide us. The problem is that we are all getting fed such different information and perspectives on that event. Nowhere is this more clear right now than the assassination of Charlie Kirk.
It’s hairy out there, but the thing to remember is that we are not all divided on one account of what happened. We are all having different reactions to very different stories. The language used in the stories the media and different people tell matters. We are all allowed to have our own opinions and reactions, but my guess is there would be more collective empathy if we all had the same newsfeed. There’s a reason we don’t.
Lastly, I’ll just speak my own truth here–your voice matters. I have no idea how God may use your voice or even mine to make a difference in this world, but I do know that it is needed. There is a lot that concerns me about newer technology used to censor and locate people online, but I think this is exactly why we have to keep talking. We can’t let fear win.
“When I kept silent, my bones became brittle from my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was drained
as in the summer’s heat. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not conceal my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Therefore let everyone who is faithful pray to you immediately. When great floodwaters come, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with joyful shouts of deliverance.”
Psalms 32:3-7
When we are trying to process something, the ability to verbalize it often comes last. So for me, personally, this is how I know I have to keep writing.
A prayer for the courage to speak:
Lord, may you give us the words when we have none.
May you silence the noise in our minds so that we can hear you clearly, and process our own thoughts as they come.
May you grant us discernment in knowing the difference between truth and lies and discernment in knowing when to speak and when to listen.
May you protect our authentic voices and give us the courage to use them.
May it all be for the glory of you, Lord.
And with that–I hope these truths have helped ground you today. I hope you can carry these in your back pocket the next time you feel stifled or frozen in fear, and that this post helps you get un-stuck. I would also like to remind you that we are not called to be robots who never have feelings or doubts, and we are not called to be perfect.
We are just called to keep seeking the Lord and to keep doing the next right thing.
Praise the Lord, I can say this with my full chest now–I am so grateful I get to do this for a living.
