The life of a suburban parent is so regimented and repetitive that it amazes me how chaotic it can still be. There are so many times I’ve thought that if I could just get the perfect routine and rhythm down, we’d be breezing through this phase of life and chasing butterflies at the end of every day.
We actually do chase butterflies at the end of most days right now, but it looks nothing like what you’re probably picturing.
People are messy. Family life is chaotic.
For that very reason, I don’t know if you will find a therapist that has created more systems and has more tools in their neurodivergent toolbox than me.
I’ve written about family meetings, structured check-ins, daily and weekly anchors, the habits I swear by, meal planning, implementing trial periods…you name it, I’ve attempted it!
Great systems and habits are essential to establishing an overall stable environment, and kids need structure and stability. However, there is no system we can implement that is going to protect us from the inevitable chaos in life.
It is an unfortunate truth that the only constant in life is change. Another unfortunate truth: humans are not robots. The moment I get one rhythm down either something changes or I find myself bored and desiring change.
As I’m writing this I feel almost like I’m writing this to a past version of myself. The one that swore her husband would find a way to finish work by 5 pm everyday so that we could all have dinner together at the table every evening.
Again, the habit is there. I cook almost every night. But do we all physically sit and eat dinner together? Not at all. Maybe once a week at best.
What’s more likely is that my son will need to go down for a nap the minute I sit down to eat (no matter the time), my daughter will suddenly need to go to the bathroom or my husband will have a last minute call. Try as I might to out-schedule or out-maneuver our chaos, it would seem none of these things can be avoided.
So how do we keep a marriage together and a family intact when there are so many variables outside of our control?
The temptation I feel to come up with the ultimate habit right now is so real. It almost hurts me to admit this, but there is not one strategy that can save us.
I know a lot of people want therapy to produce magic, but I am sorry to tell you that I’ve been a therapist and in therapy myself for years and I am still just an imperfect human doing my best.
I am humbled to share that if you are someone who desperately needs structure and routine and you have already implemented all of the strategies you can to keep your life somewhat orderly–it’s likely that another strategy is going to hurt more than help you.
There is such a fine line between organization and neuroticism. If you are hitting your threshold for how much time you can spend organizing without losing your cool, it might not be that you need more organization. You might need to regulate.
From a mental health perspective, we are not healed by becoming rigid or doing everything so perfectly that there are no hard feelings along the way. We are healed by having difficult situations arise and having old emotions activated, and then experiencing them differently.
Said differently, we are healed by recognizing that we can feel our feelings safely. We are healed by managing chaos a little more gracefully–not by creating a life so rigid that there is none. When you’ve developed healthy habits and systems, but nothing is working–you might not need another system. You might just need a good cry!
Some amount of strategies may keep your daily stressload low enough that you have a greater bandwidth for chaos. But when there are big feelings to deal with–you might be doing yourself a disservice by focusing your efforts on order and/or looking like you are ok if you’re not. You might be repeating your trauma, rather than healing it.
If you were never allowed to show “weakness” in your family growing up, you are not going to be healed by doing everything on your own so that no one ever sees you struggle. Rather, you would likely be more healed by surrendering to the hard moments and turning towards your partner for some empathy or help (rather than insisting you don’t need them or trying not to be a burden). When you vulnerably share your feelings & receive empathy, you reclaim your right to be imperfect and human. You create more acceptance of the reality that life is messy and unpredictable, and that no one really has it figured out. And trust me, I’ve polled and worked with A LOT of parents.
You are not wrong for wanting things to be more orderly or for craving a clean house or a predictable schedule. There are very valid reasons this triggers you, and you are not crazy for getting dysregulated by it. The “solution” just might not be achievable at the moment. And if it’s not–it might be better to regulate rather than strategize.
Struggling doesn’t mean that you are incapable or incompetent.
Admitting that you are struggling when you attempt to do too many things without support doesn’t make you any less strong of a parent. It fills your cup with comfort that you don’t have to hold it together all of the time.
Parenthood is hard. It’s amazing and meaningful and beautiful, and there are days we all feel like we are failing.
Note: The frequency and intensity of your struggles are worth exploring more in therapy so that you can determine how much support is needed. If your gut is telling you that what you are going through shouldn’t be as hard as it is or that something is off–listen to that.
It is very possible you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist that can appropriately guide you through your feelings and give you feedback on what is “normal” and situational versus what sounds like an internal or marital struggle that should be worked through more intently.
Therapy is also a great place to speak candidly about your kids–the good, the bad, and the ugly. Shame has a way of convincing parents that everything their child does and doesn’t do is their fault. However, it’s been my experience that parents often end up blaming themselves for deficits that actually have nothing to do with them. If we can remove the shame and explore the possibility that you are not the problem and something else might be going on–it becomes a lot easier to identify what challenges you and family might be having. This includes neurodivergence, anxiety, learning difficulties, etc. Your therapist might not always be able to diagnose, but we can usually point you in the right direction.
The truth is one neurodivergent or medically complex kid can turn a household upside down if not treated appropriately. The same goes for a mother and/or father with undiagnosed mental health issues. So again–if you are recognizing that your challenges might be more than you can handle, please reach out.
In the meantime:
If you and your partner are struggling in your marriage because you are both picking yourselves up by your bootstraps every day and feeling discouraged by the futility of it, here are some roads on the path towards healing that you might try (instead of perfectionism):
The path towards emotional intimacy:
Sometimes one honest, vulnerable conversation can do more for your soul than a week of surface-level interactions.
A few tips: Sometimes it means setting the intention of putting the “to-do’s” aside and just asking for a heart-to-heart connection with your spouse. Sometimes it is also helpful to specifically ask, “Do you want me to try to help or do you just want me to listen?”.
If you have really big feelings:
If you have so many thoughts and feelings you’d love to share that it’s hard to put them into words, you might try taking them to the Lord first.
I recently learned that the Psalms are meant to model a deep and intimate relationship with the Lord. Sometimes the culture of Christianity can unintentionally steer us into thinking we need to be composed all of the time. God doesn’t want our politeness.
He wants our true and most sincere hearts! You don’t have to hide any feelings from the Lord. Sometimes it helps to let it all out and to experience His unwavering love before you try to share them with someone else.
The path towards “good enough”:
We all have our assumptions about how other people live, but I want to let you guys in on a secret: no one can keep up with the laundry and dishes every single day. Or at least not with a smile.
It’s not easy (or ideal) working and living in a cluttered or messy house, but that doesn’t mean you are failing by doing so.
One mantra I’ve been repeating to myself lately is “I live in a garden, not a museum”. Museums are sterile. You’re supposed to go through them with your hands behind your back and simply observe, careful not to disrupt anything.
Gardens grow. You have to tend to them daily, and they are meant to bear fruit and to foster community. Gardens have dirt and bugs, but that also means no one expects them to be perfectly clean. You get to run through them barefoot. They are a container for some of the best memories. Who wouldn’t want to live in a garden?
The path towards stillness and/or slowing down:
Slowing down is so much easier said than done because some things really cannot wait and sometimes 5 things need to be done at once. Yet, if we don’t create little moments of mindfulness for ourselves, we will find ourselves in a tailspin and yelling. Some small ways I force myself to slow down include touching grass, making myself sit on the couch or on the ground with the kids for 5 minutes, reading the Bible and journaling my prayers.
I am consistently surprised by how much clarity I can get in 5 minutes of silence and how little I truly accomplish in 5 hours of “busyness”.
The path towards play and humor:
When my kids are doing something really cute and I’m finding it more annoying than anything else, I know I’m either overstimulated or stuck in my head.
Sometimes there are things we have to work through or process before we can be present, but sometimes it’s not so much what we’re doing but how we’re doing it.
A few excerpts for some encouragement:
“Here is what I have seen to be good: It is appropriate to eat, drink, and experience good in all the labor one does under the sun during the few days of his life God has given him, because that is his reward. Furthermore, everyone to whom God has given riches and wealth, he has also allowed him to enjoy them, take his reward, and rejoice in his labor. This is a gift of God, for he does not often consider the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with the joy of his heart”.
-Ecclesiastes 5:18-20
“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones”.
-Proverbs 17:22
“So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God.”
-1 Corinthians 10:31
Of course no one can be joyful and present all of the time, but I hope that even considering playfulness softens your heart to the possibility of joy in the middle of chaos.
I hope these excerpts remind you that your best is enough. We weren’t designed to do it all, all the time. We were designed to rely on God. So while parents deserve credit and praise for their hard work, we also have to remember that God’s love for us is not based on our works. And praise God for that!
The work we do to maintain our homes and provide stability for our kids is so important, and it is ok if we “fall short” some days. One day when we look back we might find that we weren’t falling short at all. We might find that we tended to exactly what we needed to when we needed to, and that the feeling of failing was merely a brain on overdrive or the enemy trying to convince us otherwise.
A prayer for grace:
Holy Spirit, please guide our steps when so many things demand our attention.
May we turn our hearts to you instead of whatever the enemy tries to promise us.
May we come to appreciate the futility of what is truly futile and fulfillment in what you’ve given us to be fulfilled.
Jesus, please remind us that you see us. Remind us that we are never truly invisible, and that the little things we do are important–they’re just not going to be done perfectly.
Remind us that our partners need us, and fill us with the capacity to listen.
Remind us that some of the most beautiful moments in life often come after a really good cry.
Grant us moments of levity and laughter, and help us to delight in what is good.
Amen.
