Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to meditate. While I know meditation is a wonderful tool for some people, I also know that it never worked well for me. In fact, there were times it would make my anxiety worse. Body scans only heightened my awareness that I did not feel grounded.
What’s funny is that I remember learning in my practicum as a therapist that people who regularly pray often report achieving the same state as people who regularly meditate. I thought it was so cool that prayer could be as effective as meditating. Now that I’ve lost interest in meditating but use prayer as my lifeline, I see that I had it pretty backwards. Meditating on a “white light” or some inanimate object could never even come close to providing what speaking to God does through prayer.
So while it is entirely possible that you need more than prayer to calm your nerves, I do want to help you troubleshoot (if you will) some potential possibilities.
Possibility #1 : Your anxiety has hijacked how you pray.
The Bible tells us to “Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything” (1 Thessalonians 15-18). I am not a biblical expert, but I think there are times when my mind can turn this passage into something it is not.
If you were to continue, you would read:
“give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Don’t stifle the spirit. Don’t despise prophecies, but test all things. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil. Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely. And may your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will do it.”
So when you continue reading, I think we see that this passage is a reminder of the joy that comes from remaining in constant communication and connection with Jesus.
Out of context, my mind can turn this into a pressure to be happy all of the time, and I can feel ashamed if I am not being grateful. Shame and pressure to be happy can easily become a source of anxiety.
However, I don’t think this is telling us to be grateful for our circumstances. I think it’s reminding us that we can be grateful that these circumstances are temporary and that they will not overcome us because Jesus is bigger. It’s a reminder that even in the worst of circumstances (whatever that may look like for you), we can hold onto hope because we know that Jesus is faithful, and that His promises are good.
Regulation tool: Write or speak it, don’t just keep it all in your head.
Something I find really cool is how different we sound when we vocalize our prayers. Maybe it’s through the practice and repetition of learning a posture of prayer or maybe it’s the Holy Spirit moving through me, but I find that the words I speak and write are different than they would be if I prayed silently or kept it all in my head. Sometimes the Holy Spirit gives us words when we are in conversation with God that feel more truthful than the words anxiety might speak.
For example, in my mind, I might be starting every prayer with “Please God- do this for me.” “Please God, keep my kids safe at school.” “Please God, help me to be patient with ___”. “Please God help me find a way to ___”. “Please God give me the strength to ___”. I can pray that way all day as I’m racing around, but sometimes there’s no relief in the anxiety I’m feeling because I’m not really connecting. I’m more just pleading or talking at God instead of making room for Him.
However, if I physically sit down and pause, my prayer might start with, “Lord, I praise you for being so much bigger than I can even imagine. I’m so happy that my problems are so small compared to you.”
Can you feel the difference?
It’s like when I force myself to really meet with God instead of half-talking half-venting or whatever it is I’m doing, I am instantly reminded of who He is. And who He is is exactly why I don’t have to worry the way I think I need to when I’m caught in a stress-loop.
Sometimes sitting down to write our prayers or verbally speaking them moves us from pleading to contemplating who God is.
Another prayer I love to pray is “Lord you could change my whole world with the flick of your wrist”.
I mean have you thought about that lately?
Sometimes when we ask God for this or that we start to sort of personify Him in ways our minds can comprehend instead of really focusing on Him. What I mean by that is sometimes when I’m asking God for something I’m asking Him as if he was a genie in a bottle. I expect him to be ready to meet my request right there and right then as if I’m the one in charge.
God is not a genie in a bottle. He is bigger than the entire universe, and He created it! His intelligence is greater than a genie whose only job is to do what you ask. God is certainly greater than ChatGpt. We might want instant gratification or instant responses because we’re so trained to give and receive them, but sometimes God makes us wait. And it’s for our benefit.
Another way I’ll unconsciously personify God is as if He is my husband or my therapist with a limited capacity. I’ll try to be careful of sharing too much or saying too much because I don’t want to overwhelm Him or worry Him. HA! God doesn’t worry. God doesn’t even need to sleep.
Can you see where I’m going with this? The minute we’re able to focus on who we’re really talking to, the minute we can get lost in His greatness (instead of our problems).
So I know that it can be so discouraging when you don’t feel any better after praying and there’s no such thing as praying “wrong”, but sometimes I think it helps to check our posture and how connected we are when we are praying. If there is ever a string of thoughts it is ok to get lost in–it’s contemplating who God is.
Contemplating who God is → wonder
Getting hyperfixated on our own problems → anxiety
He wants us to hear from us no matter what our posture or words are, but I find that I personally feel more relief when I am more intentional.
Carrying all of your worries in your head → anxiety
Organizing your thoughts through the Holy Spirit in conversation with God → rest
Possibility #2: You’re isolated or feeling lonely, and you need someone to be with you in your distress.
Regulation tool: Ask someone to pray over you.
If getting into that posture still feels impossible on your own, you could try asking someone to pray over you.
There is something so powerful about someone praying over you when praying on your own isn’t working. From a spiritual standpoint, I think it’s the Holy Spirit in one person igniting the Holy Spirit in the next. But from a psychological perspective, I think it’s equivalent to borrowing someone else’s calm. Sometimes friends and family members struggle with providing face-to-face empathy or compassion. (It can be really hard to find the words!) But there is something about bowing our heads that seems to allow people to speak words they might not come up with in a regular conversation.
Just to be clear–I am in no way suggesting you use prayer to push anxiety away or dismiss your feelings. The way you use any tool is ultimately going to matter more than the tool itself. What I am attempting to describe is how it feels to me to bring all the anxiety and feelings into my prayers and to let God help me with them.
Possibility #3: You’re feeling a little disconnected from your body or yourself in general.
Regulation tool: Track your symptoms.
If prayer is still not making a dent in your state of overwhelm, you might need help understanding yourself and how you operate first.
I think we all want God to take our struggles away in hopes that we’ll immediately feel better. For reasons beyond my understanding, sometimes he doesn’t.
If you are caught in a cycle of noticing symptoms but not being able to see the full picture, doing a little bit of inventory can be very helpful.
Here are a few questions to help get you started:
- Have you had enough to eat and drink today?
I read somewhere that our cortisol peaks around 30 minutes after we first wake. Sometimes we need to be reminded that coffee is not breakfast. Despite how necessary it feels to jump start our nervous systems (guilty), it can also backfire and amp up your anxiety for the day if you are under-fueled. Honestly, it’s not such a bad thing to drink cold coffee because that usually means you’re drinking it slowly.
- When did you first start feeling overwhelmed today?
-What were you doing? What were you thinking about? Try to walk through as much detail as possible.
If this pins the problem: Name as many thoughts and feelings as you can to help you tame the overwhelm. Give yourself some time to tend to that feeling.
- How did you respond to that overwhelmed feeling?
-Did you push it away? Did you get mad at someone? Did you start another task?
Depending on how you handled the overwhelm, you might need to make a repair with someone. If you held it all in, imagine your overwhelm is like a ball of silly putty. See if you can slowly stretch each feeling out as far as you can.
- Does your overwhelm feel like the result of a million little things or one big thing going un-addressed?
Again, you might need to write them all out and give your stressors some air.
- Has something from your past been brought back to the surface?
Said differently, is someone triggering you?
The holidays can be a very tough time to stay grounded in our adult shoes. It’s only natural for old emotional injuries to get activated. The important thing is that you are noticing when they do instead of projecting them on other people.
Possibility #4: There’s too much happening too fast in your world.
Regulation tool: Make time to process, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Sometimes there are just too many things happening at once for us to process. This is why we need time to process on our own or with a therapist! Sometimes we need time to slow down for a minute while we make room for the things that require a little more time. (Ex. grief, memories of a traumatic event, or even simply time to plan your day and get your head on straight).
Try not to underestimate the value of processing your day and all the feelings that come with it.
Processing allows us to form coherent narratives, and it allows our nervous system to recognize when we can relax.
My guess is most of us have to do some amount of compartmentalizing throughout our days to get to everything we need to. That’s ok.
But it is important not to let compartmentalizing become avoidance and numbing.
Avoidance might be a happy place, but it is not a very restful place.
See if you can start allowing yourself a little more quiet time to process at the end of every day.
If you are consistently finding that there is more to process than you could ever make time for on your own–it’s probably time to consider therapy and/or medical intervention!
I know that sounds extreme, but it’s really not.
Therapy is a great place to help you put pieces of the puzzle together regularly so that you can more comfortably tolerate daily stressors without feeling like your world is falling apart each time.
Therapists are also trained to assess the severity of your symptoms and to help you navigate what changes you might need to make. I’ll say this bluntly–if you are having panic attacks or any suicidal thoughts, it is my opinion that you need to get help. These are not things that go away on their own, especially if you are getting more frazzled trying to manage the symptoms on your own.
If you are noticing the frequency and intensity of your anxiety is increasing and you are interested in sorting through this with a therapist, I would love to help you! Please feel free to send me an email at info@faithfocustherapy.com.
Lastly, possibility #5: You’ve lost sight of taking care of yourself in the midst of taking care of others.
Regulation tool: Get back to the basics.
I hate to admit it, but this is incredibly easy to do. There are so many times I’m battling my daughter to brush her hair, and I look in the mirror and realize I haven’t touched my own. There are times I assume someone is being cranky because they need a nap only to realize I’m the one that hasn’t slept.
It happens, and it’s rarely our own fault. It’s often a response to tending to the most pressing thing.
We don’t have to beat ourselves up for not taking better care of ourselves. We can just remind ourselves that we are someone worth taking care of too, and start doing the things you would do if you really believed that.
(More on this in a future post!)
Closing Prayer:
Lord, I thank you for designing our bodies so that they signal when we are under too much stress.
Though it may feel like a betrayal at times, in this moment I see the love you have for us to design us this way.
Lord, when I struggle to understand how to stay in constant connection with you–will you please put people in my path that make that easier for me to do?
Will you help me to get help when I need it?
Will you nudge me in the right direction when my instinct is to avoid hard feelings?
Remind me that it is ok to have feelings, and that true gratitude is not a feeling but a state that comes naturally when I remember who you are and what you’ve promised me.
Amen.
