The magic ratio in relationships. Gottman says if a couple can keep a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative statements or interactions, then the 4 horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, & stonewalling) are not lethal to the relationship.
Fighting alone is not a problem, it can actually be a sign of a healthy relationship. Fighting can mean you feel close enough to your partner to express your concerns/needs and that you care about improving the relationship.
If all interactions are negative, however, the relationship is in trouble. Some couples are surprised to realize that fighting is a form of connection (even if it’s a negative one). This is part of the reason some couples get stuck in a pattern of conflict and silence. For these couples I generally ask, “If you weren’t fighting what would be talking about?”
Find new ways of interacting! These positive interactions form the cushion you need when the relationship is in conflict.
