Faith-filled hope and practical guidance for couples who feel more like housemates than soulmates
Are you and your spouse feeling more like roommates than soulmates? As a Christian marriage counselor in Georgetown, TX, I hear this concern almost daily. And you know what? As both a therapist who focuses on faith-centered marriage counseling and a mom juggling young kids myself, I truly understand this season.
When your heart yearns for connection but you’re struggling to move past the daily routine, that’s exactly where God’s transformative work can begin.
The Truth About Feeling Like Roommates (And Why Biblical Hope Is Real!)
Let’s be real for a second: I’ve been down the road of trying to defy nature by putting my relationship with my husband first, and there have been times that’s done more harm than good.
Here’s what matters: Religious or not, you need a common purpose for your relationship to work. If you’re not working towards a shared purpose and growing together in that pursuit, it’s very easy to drift apart.
But here’s what I really want you to know: feeling like roommates doesn’t mean your marriage is failing. In fact, it might be exactly where God needs you to be to rewrite your story into something even more beautiful.
7 Signs You’re More Like Roommates Than Spouses
Before we dive into solutions, let’s honestly assess where you are. You might be experiencing roommate syndrome if:
- Your conversations revolve around logistics – schedules, kids, bills, household tasks
- Physical intimacy feels awkward or absent – even simple affection feels forced
- You live parallel lives – separate interests, separate friend groups, separate routines
- Conflict is avoided at all costs – you’ve stopped fighting because you’ve stopped caring enough to engage
- Romance feels like another chore – date nights feel obligatory rather than exciting
- You feel more like business partners – efficiently running a household but missing the heart connection
- Emotional intimacy has disappeared – you don’t share dreams, fears, or deep thoughts anymore
If you’re nodding along, take a deep breath. You’re not alone, and you didn’t fail by getting here.
The Reality No One Talks About (But We’re Going To!)
Let me share a real story from my own marriage (because therapy isn’t magic, and I’m right there with you in the struggle!):
What that looked like for us – there were times I knew by principle that we needed to spend time together one-on-one, but we were both so tired and our daughter was not used to being apart from us. The babysitter was late, we missed the yoga class we had signed up for, I was stressed knowing our daughter was likely at home crying, and then I sat crying in the car in traffic as we tried to figure out a plan B.
Not exactly the romantic date night Instagram tells us we need, right? But you know what? Nothing is too broken for God to heal – even if that healing looks different than we expected.
What the Research Shows (Because Faith-Filled Doesn’t Mean Ignoring Facts!)
As a couples therapist focusing on Christian marriage counseling, here’s what I want you to know:
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that feeling “more like roommates than soulmates” is one of the most common concerns couples bring to counseling. The good news? Even small changes in how we approach these feelings can transform our connection.
- The transition to parenthood is one of the most common triggers (hello, survival mode!)
- Couples who maintain their faith connection show greater resilience
- Small, consistent efforts toward reconnection are more effective than grand gestures
- A sign of secure attachment is the ability to move closer and farther apart without too much distress
A Faith-Filled Perspective on Marriage Seasons
Here’s what I want you to remember (and what I have to remind myself of constantly): Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”
When your heart is in the right place but you’re feeling disconnected, that’s not a failure – it’s an invitation to grow closer to God and each other in a new way.
Faith-filled is the opposite of fearful because it’s a knowing that there is a plan, God will lead and nurture you to the extent you draw near to Him, and mostly—that happiness isn’t the goal. Pain is pain with a purpose and a reminder that we were never meant to be completely fulfilled in this life.
What’s Actually Working: Embracing the “Both/And”
As a couple, part of the work is recognizing that so many things can be true at once:
About Quality Time
Truth: All couples need quality time together (without kids) for their relationship to thrive long-term.
Also True:
- Date nights are expensive
- Leaving a baby at home can be very stressful (particularly to the mom)
- Some couples don’t have family in town to watch their kids
- Sometimes you are just way too tired to go out and enjoy yourselves
- People get sick
And that’s okay – God’s grace covers all of it.
About Becoming “Roommates”
Truth: Your marriage needs intentional nurturing to stay strong.
Also True:
- There are seasons where survival mode is reality
- You didn’t fail by getting to this point
- You are all but likely to end up feeling this way when you have kids!
- There is growth in getting a little more comfortable with the distance you cannot control
- God’s grace covers our imperfect efforts
The “Expert Advice” That Doesn’t Always Work
For the record – there are therapists that would assert you should get a standing babysitter once a week right from the beginning so that your kids get used to it. It’s solid advice in theory, and if you have the ability to go and leave your kids with someone you trust every week – great.
I would argue, however, there’s more nuance for most couples.
Not every family has:
- The financial resources for weekly childcare
- Trusted family nearby
- Children who adapt easily to new caregivers
- The emotional bandwidth to push through the stress
Sometimes following this “ideal” advice creates more pressure than connection. And that’s where grace comes in – God meets us where we are, not where parenting books say we should be.
How to Get Out of the Roommate Phase (With Grace and Faith)
It’s really not a terrible thing to acknowledge that a lot of your relationship revolves around making decisions together and coordinating plans. It’s actually a sign that you and your partner:
✓ Collaborate well as a team (God’s design for marriage!)
✓ Trust each other with daily responsibilities
✓ Have a foundation of practical partnership
✓ Are growing together, even when it doesn’t feel like it
The challenge isn’t that you’ve become roommates—it’s remembering that you get to be more than that!
1. Start with Prayer (Because Everything Good Begins Here)
- Pray together, even if it’s just 30 seconds before bed
- Ask God to help you see your spouse through His eyes
- Thank Him for the gift of partnership, even in hard seasons
- Remember: Faith-filled is the opposite of fearful
2. Embrace Micro-Moments of Connection
- A 6-second hug when you pass in the kitchen
- A text message of appreciation
- A shared laugh over kid chaos
- A quick prayer together before work
3. Adjust Expectations with Grace
- Let go of “perfect date night” pressure
- Find joy in simple shared moments
- Remember this is a season, not forever
- Trust God’s timing and purpose
4. Create New Rhythms That Actually Work
Instead of forcing traditional date nights that stress you out, try:
- Coffee together while kids watch morning cartoons
- A walk around the block after dinner
- Sharing one thing you’re grateful for each day
- Reading a devotional together (even for 5 minutes)
When You Need Professional Christian Marriage Support
Bottom line: if you and your partner are starting to feel like roommates, the first step is probably to find some way to make room for romance again.
But the thing I really want to normalize here is that you did not fail by getting to this point.
If you and your spouse are feeling stuck in the roommate phase, remember that seeking help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Georgetown, Texas, I specialize in helping couples like you integrate faith into their healing journey.
What makes our approach unique:
- Faith-centered marriage counseling that honors both practical skills and spiritual growth
- A safe space to explore challenges while keeping God at the center
- Evidence-based techniques aligned with biblical principles
- Understanding of the unique pressures facing families in Central Texas
- Virtual sessions available across Texas for busy families
Is the Roommate Phase Normal?
There is grief in recognizing your pre-kid marriage is long gone (and it’s okay to feel your feelings about that!), but I think there is also peace in learning how to be flexible and adaptable with each other. Your marriage isn’t meant to look the same forever—it’s meant to grow and evolve as you both do.
Reminder: a sign of secure attachment is the ability to move closer and farther apart without too much distress.
So maybe the trick is not being hard on yourselves for becoming roommates, it’s reminding yourselves that you get to be more than that!
A Message of Hope and Healing
Remember: All glory to God, who can make something beautiful out of every season. You weren’t meant to do this alone (none of us were!), and sometimes the “roommate phase” is exactly where He needs you to be to learn something new about love, grace, and growth together.
When we put God first, our partners and everyone else get appropriately demoted. The alignment will always be off if you are putting yourself, your kids, or your partner above everything else.
Your marriage was never meant to survive on willpower alone. When all coping skills and tools are falling short, we are meant to turn to a higher power. Nothing is too broken for God to heal. 💛
Ready to move from roommates back to soulmates? As a Christian marriage counselor in Georgetown, TX, I’d love to help you and your spouse reconnect with purpose and faith.
See if we’re a good fit by visiting faithfocustherapy.com/about/contact to share what’s on your heart, or request an appointment directly through our secure booking system.
Serving couples virtually across Texas – from Georgetown and Round Rock to Austin and beyond.
Related Articles You Might Find Helpful:
- Marriage Isn’t Supposed to Complete You
- Why You’re Still Fighting the Same Fight
- Is It Too Late for Us? What I Tell Every Couple on the Brink
© 2025 Faith Focus Therapy – Alex Barnette, LMFT
